or maybe i just need more.

anyway, as promised, here’s how it all went down. on wednesday, i baked two pumpkin spice cakes; one with nuts, one without. every baker knows the best way to keep the frosting from melting when you frost is to make sure the cakes are completely cooled; so i figured, give ‘em a whole overnight to cool. in the meantime, i formed some pumpkin leaves from white chocolate colored with green food coloring. in hindsight, i probably should have also gone ahead and made the frosting, to let it set up again overnight as well; but i got distracted, cutting out the dozens of leaves for the pie. i didn’t think i’d have time to get theme all cut out, and get the pie assembled, and the cake frosted all before the big meal on thursday. so thursday morning, while the pie baked, i made the frosting and frosted the cake. anyway, in the end, it didn’t come out quite as beautiful as i had hoped, but the flavor, the texture, the consistency, were all more than i expected. and it wasn’t exactly ugly, certainly not wreck-worthy:

better than expected - sooo much better

oh, and turns out, adding a whole can of organic pumpkin to a cake adds quite a bit of heft to a cake (or two, for that matter) so in the end, the whole thing weighed damn near five pounds.

the pie, on the other hand – well, that’s what i get for going against my better judgement on the recipe. there simply wasn’t enough flavor, and while the crust ended up nearly burned, despite lowering the oven racks and lower the temps, the apples didn’t hardly soften and for that matter, the cubed butter didn’t even melt in some places, despite being in the oven for just over an hour. i shouldn’t have put the leaves over the top of a flat crust, essentially doubling the top crust, especially knowing that the leaves would overlap so much, making the crust, in some places, three and four layers deep.

then, because it didn’t get hot enough under all that crust, as the pie cooled on the sideboard during dinner, almost half a cup of juices came out of the apples, returning the bottom crust to a nearly raw state. and finally – my own fault – i had forgotten to add a little water to my egg yolks when i brushed the leaves, making the crust turn a deep brown rather than a golden tan.

my pie... not so much

in the end, i don’t recommend using the recipe i used; and maybe just use their picture as an inspiration, not a guide.

but this year’s gonna be different. this year – no pumpkin pie. *gasp!*

instead, i’m baking two things – the most beautiful apple pie i’ve ever laid eyes on, and a pumpkin-shaped, pumpkin-spice cake. and i admit, i’m a little nervous.

because this is what i want to bake:

it's so bee-you-tee-full!!!

and this:

is it real? or is it... cake?

and it stands to reason that someone with my experience and skill-set can, with some patience, and if i hold my tongue right, create these masterpieces. but what’s been running through my head since the day i committed to these two edible works of art, is that what i’m going to end up with is this:

screw the leaves, i'm just gonna pile the crust on... and pray

and this:

wait, pumpkins have green veins?

to be continued…

For old times, my dear, for old times sake.
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for old times.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup, and surely I’ll buy mine!
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for old times.

For old times, my dear, for old times sake.
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for old times.

We two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot, since old times.

For old times, my dear, for old times sake.
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for old times.

We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dinner time;
But seas between us broad have roared, since the old times.

For old times, my dear, for old times sake.
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for old times.

And there’s a hand, my trusty friend – now give me a hand of yours!
And we’ll take a right good-will draught, for all old times.

For old times, my dear, for old times sake.
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for old times.

(and i don’t even like beer)

i cannot even begin to fathom the absolute depths of despair this must bring for a parent. having never brought a life into this world, i cannot know the raw, aching pain and suffering that loss must bring. and yet…

upon hearing this horrible news, it struck me at how quickly my mood went from boredom at the tedium of the work i have at hand to desolate sadness. it’s similar to that panic-stricken state i find myself in when i’m at a store or an event and the sudden announcement is made that a child is missing. it’s gripping.

so whoever you are, wherever you may be, i am so, so sorry for your loss. and i realize that your hearing that will in no way lessen that pain, but i hope that someday you’ll understand that someone out there really did wish they could.

it’s a sin that somehow light is changing to shadow and casting its shroud over all we have known. unaware how the ranks have grown, driven on by a heart of stone – we could find that we’re all alone in the dream of the proud.

on the wings of the night as the daytime is slurring where the speechless unite in a silent accord using words you will find are strange and mesmerized. as they light the flame feel the new wind of change on the wings of the night.

no more turning away from the weak and the weary. no more turning away from the coldness inside. just a world that we all must share – it’s not enough just to stand and stare. is it only a dream that there’ll be no more turning away?

i know i committed to writing a post about all the advice to be offered in “wear sunscreen.” and i guess because of that, i keep putting off writing anything new because i think, well, i’ll have to come up with what i want to say about the next line, and oh, look, the laundry is waist deep again and oh, crap, i really gotta finish that site update before my client calls one more time asking about it and oops! off to the midwest, i should tell people about that…

so let me tell you. i’m busy. but aren’t we all? really? thank some higher-power entity for twitter. because at least that i can do 1-50 times a day while i’m working and let you know i’m alive… amiright?

so; these past few weeks, yes, i went to the midwest to see my family. this was bittersweet. on the upside, we spent a ton of time getting to know my nephew, who you might recall is just one year old. after he warmed up to me, we spent far too much time letting him crawl at me at top-speed and butt heads with me, goat-style. it hurt! but it was adorable!! so i let him do it over and over and over. went to bed with a headache both nights. the downside was this: my mom and my brother & sister-in-law hadn’t been getting along so well lately. mom’s a whiney-ass. s-i-l is a control-freak. bro’s caught in the middle. so we went up there thinking we needed to kick the kid’s asses. turns out, mom needed a talking-to. and in order to do that – we ended up hurting everyone‘s feelings. and pride. but in the end, in hindsight, i think they think it was for the best.

after we left there, we went to saint louis for a while. we didn’t tell them that. i realize that by writing the way i write, i’m simply asking to be outcast from my family one day. why the hell you think i’m so careful to not say who i am? anyway… we went to saint louis and did fun stuff like tour the budweiser brewery. we got to drink some bud light straight from the vat, pre-bottling. i hate beer as a rule – smells, looks and tastes like carbonated horse piss i say – but this stuff? holy crap! if beer always tasted this good, i’d drink it every day. we also went up in the arch, because, you know, ya gotta.

and since we were coming home from the east side of missouri, our travels took us through memphis. and you know what you gotta do when you go to memphis. so i’d never been to graceland and had to go. the boyfriend, he’d been three times before, but he assures me there’s more to see every time. we were kind of in a hurry, and the girl at the ticket counter assured us the tour we selected would take about an hour. maybe hour and a half. nope. three and a half hours later we were back on the road. but i now know more about elvis than i ever thought i would care to know!

what else? well… worked my ass off to be caught up to take a vacay (bor-ing! i know). took the vacay – six days of nearly no work at all! and a grand total of 33 hours and 2000 + miles behind the wheel. got back from vacay – found ourselves working 14-hour days for a week, when not stopping to go out for client meetings, grocery runs, pay the bills, run errands, etc. etc.

oh! and did i mention that i saw john mayer? *still grinning ear-to-ear* i mean, seriously. i loved his music before i went. i can’t say i love him – i mean, i don’t knowhim, it’s not fair to say. and he certainly doesn’t know me. but my god that boy can play! and yes, i get to call him boy because he is, after all, ever so slightly younger than me. slightly. a little. anyway… he’s positively masterful on the guitar, and an excellent songwriter to boot. and the closer the date of the show got, the more i found myself wanting to learn about him, and it turns out, despite his super-stardom level of famousness, he really is just about the most down-to-earth person you could hear about. seriously! and then, at the show, among his anecdotes about his wiffle-ball injury and his accidental funniness regarding which cover-tune he was gonna do next, his voice broke, and he stumbled while grasping for the right words, to express what it felt like – or at least attempted to express what it felt like – to be in a position wherein you’re famous enough that your name is mentioned in a story of a teenage girl who died on her way home. this poor 17-year-old girl, her whole life ahead of her, all she did was go to a mayer show, get in the car, and died on the way home. and his pain, his difficulty in comprehending this, stems from knowing that if she hadn’t been at the show, which she wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for him performing, she might not have died that day. some would call this narcissistic, i call this heavy. that’s a lot to take on.

so now i’ve nearly caught up to where i was before i got ready to go on vacay, and maybe next post i’ll pick up where i left off with “wear sunscreen” – or maybe i’ll post some pics. or vids. oh, yeah, i also went to goo goo dolls/switchfoot/green river ordinance. so that happened. oh, and i had some fantastically bad restaurant experiences. and some really great moments of hilarity.  yeah… so i’ll try to get back on track. we’ll see. but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? this vast, meandering experience that is a moment or two (or ten) in my head. welcome to my world. :o)

my mom recently asked me, nonchalantly, “do you think i should have seen a psychiatrist sometime?” of course she should have. so should i. i think, perhaps, a good 99.9% of us should. because we’re not as friggin put together as we all think we are. so i asked her, “well, if you think they do any good, why didn’t you let me keep seeing one after my childhood trauma?” to which her response was, “well, she was weird; all new-agey and crap. i didn’t like her.” as if that was the only psychiatrist that was available to us at the time, so she had no other choice. but i digress…

counseling doesn’t have to come from some shrink in a chair with a diploma over her head and the ny times crossword on her lap behind the notepad. counseling literally means “guidance: something that provides direction or advice as to a decision or course of action.” and that is never something you can get too much of. everyone could use a little input. some constructive criticisms (which aren’t necessarily all bad!). otherwise, you know what you get? an over-inflated (read: hollow) idea of who you are and why you think you’re perfect.

as for the knees… i’ve never necessarily been rough on mine, but i gotta say, they’re still going… and one day they’ll be gone. and then i’ll wish i had taken the stairs more often. so; be kind to your knees, yes. but take the stairs. that is all.

and then there’s checking my email. because god knows, every day brings the chance that there will be an email from mom. so that’s pretty scary.

but other things, scary things… stuff i’ve told myself i should do, because it’s what makes life interesting. recently, i was offered the opportunity to go skydiving. at first, i said i’d do it. then, as the day drew closer, i started to chicken out. finally, the night before, i was losing sleep. fortunately (i guess) the day was postponed due to weather. i was glad. but sad, too. because part of me really wants to do it. the other part? scared outta my mind. i’m hoping the former wins, next time the opportunity arises.

there’s a shop in market street called lululemon athletica, and on tuesdays they offer yoga. used to be pilates. i’ve never done both. i’d like to do either. i have the time. i can easily fit it in my schedule. but do i? no. i wimp out, every tuesday, without fail. i’ve managed to put it off, in one form or another, for nearly thirty weeks now. craziness!

so i think this one, really, i need to take to heart. i need to rethink my self-stated bravery and actually do something. everyday. that scares me. really.

and you should too. i promise, it’ll make your life more interesting. no one ever gets to the end and says, “well, i’m glad i never did one thing that would constitute calling myself brave. that’s a relief.”

sing.

…as for that one, that’s easy. in the car, in the shower, at my desk, watching tv, drying my hair, folding the laundry… everywhere except where mom wants me to – which is on a stage on karaoke night somewhere with her. singing i’ve got covered.

i know, i know… as my mom said in an email to me this morning (in reply to my email, the first one i’d sent her in a week) “yeah, it’s been since like christmas since i’ve heard from you. yeah, yeah. hardy-har. you know, i’m not on a schedule here. it’s my blog, and i’ll blog if i want to.

well, that’s not entirely accurate. i want to blog way more often than i do. so i guess it’s more accurate to say, it’s my blog and i’ll procrastinate on blogging while i take care of things that pay the bills if i want to… but i digress.

second today in my series of advice that i’ve given, taken and ignored…

i think of the above stanza of the song pretty often. in relation to myself, i think, ‘ehm, no.’ i mean, when i look back on pictures of me 20 years ago, the first thing i think is ‘daaaayuuummm… no wonder i was a virgin all through school. can we say unibrow?’ no, but seriously, the one part of this i do try to take for myself is the last statement, about being fat. i know i’m not. not really. sure, i could stand to lose a few, most of us could. but as i just mentioned to the bf the other day, hey – i’m still in single digit sizes. which, honestly? i wasn’t always in. so i gotta find that precious balance between not being so hard on myself, and not convincing myself that just because i’m not fat doesn’t mean i couldn’t end up fat. and it’s not necessarily that being fat scares me… it’s the health risks that go along with it. what it means to your heart, your joints, your respritory system, your back, your colon and, some would say most of all, your mind – your self worth, your self value. you don’t have to be stuck up. you don’t have to be a diva. but you do have to love yourself. because you can’t love someone else until you do.

and as for the rest of this part of the song? i think of it every time i see girls that are currently in those random, awkward stages we have all gone through and survived. the girls that sit quietly in the corner of the library, reading books about third-world countries and wondering what they could be doing about it. the girls that at the tender ages of 13, 14, 16… think that they have to paint themselves another face, because the one they have is so inherently flawed. that’s your mind’s eye, sweetie. not the rest of the world’s.

but please, don’t misunderstand. there’s a huge chasm of a gap between teaching girls self-worth and empowerment and puffing them up with endless praise and princess tiaras. one will teach them they can do anything, and don’t need anyone’s approval. the other will teach them they can do nothing without it getting someone’s approval.

yeah… no. cause in “old times” i stayed in touch with my friends by calling them. and they called me. and sometimes we called each other several times a day. at a minimum several times a month. and when we grew up and grew apart, far-flung across the country, we could have practically become stockholders in hallmark — if only hallmark was publicly traded and not privately held. we mailed each other cards for birthdays and christmas, easter, st. patrick’s day, valentines day, halloween, thanksgiving, good days, bad days, idle tuesdays…

and now in the age of mobile phones that don’t charge long distance, and email and e-cards eliminating the need to pay postage, you’d think we could stay in contact even easier, right? but apparently i’m missing something here. apparently despite all of these innovations, we still just can’t keep up with each other without using facebook. well, i beg to differ. and i’m not alone.

according to marshall kirkpatrick at readwriteweb, a number of high-profile web industry leaders have quit facebook this week, a turn of events that’s sure to heat up conversation about the social network’s perceived transgressions. and what are these transgressions? constant, unapologetic invasion, and disregard, of privacy. facebook founder mark zuckerberg told a live audience on january 8 that the world has changed, that it’s become more public and less private, and that the controversial new default and permanent settings reflect how the site would work if he were to create it today. facebook’s ceo has a documented history of unethical behavior. from the very beginning of facebook’s existence, there are questions about zuckerberg’s ethics. according to businessinsider.com, he used facebook user data to guess email passwords and read personal email in order to discredit his rivals. these allegations, albeit unproven and somewhat dated, nonetheless raise troubling questions about the ethics of the ceo of the world’s largest social network. they’re particularly compelling given that facebook chose to fork over $65M to settle a related lawsuit alleging that zuckerberg had actually stolen the idea for facebook.

and how complicated are the privacy policies of facebook? well, considering that the collective privacy policies of facebook are more verbose than the united states constitution, i’d say, pretty damn complicated. especially when you consider how disparagingly their privacy policies have eroded over time.

sadly, despite all of this evidence, everyone i know that uses facebook still seems to think that they can be careful enough to not let anything bad happen to them if they keep on using it. and, while it’s true that some people i know truly are smart enough to stay ahead of the game, so many others are not. just as farhad manjoo has talked about at slate.com, it’s undeniable, every previous imbroglio has ended the same way: they all shrug their shoulders, consider the problem fixed, and go back to goofing off on facebook.

so in case you need just a few more reasons to quit facebook, here is what i believe is the best collection of top 10 reasons to quit (click any reason to see the full explanation):

and if you do finally decide that perhaps leaving facebook is the right choice, there is at least one strong alternative coming to light that may help you with your withdrawals. it’s called diaspora* (yes, with the asterisk) which is marketing itself as the “anti-facebook”

as for me, i intend to leave things as they are. stick with my status quo. there’s no reason why anyone can’t have a private life – even when it’s online. and a public life – out there in the real world. and as for keeping in touch with my friends and family? well, i think i need to send out a few emails in the morning. it’s been a couple of days. ;o)