but in this month’s edition, there was an article that had me crying from laughter. i don’t know destiny herndon de la rosa, but i’d love to meet her for drinks. check this out:

some people fear dying on the toilet, others on the stair stepper at the gym. but i have them all beat.

if you are a woman who has ever put on spanx in the privacy of her 3,000+ degree closet, when suddenly you hear, “mommy … mommy … MOOOOOOOMMY!” you know exactly what moment i’m talking about. “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! DO. NOT. OPEN. THAT. DOOR!”

a bit of product history: spanx are made from a poly-carbonate product created by nasa that has been molded into the size of a double zero woman. the goal is to body-snatch that woman, disregarding all laws of gravity and mass re-distribution in the process. there is an art to this though.

i recommend some light stretching for starters, as attempting to strap one on can get a bit strenuous at certain points (around the thighs, specifically). and by stretching, i mean both you and your garment. don’t be shy: really give those satan-fibers a tug.

once you’ve worked up a starter sweat, go ahead and slide your feet in. now you may be thinking, “oh, this doesn’t seem so bad—just like regular panty hose.” save that confidence; you’re going to need it here in a second.

once you’ve made it past your knees, take a sip of wine and try to conjure up every mental image you have of olympic heavy-lifters. you know that move where they go from straining to throwing the weights up over their heads really fast? you must mimic that exact move. if you try to slowly jimmy “the new you” onto your body, your muscles will atrophy and you will be praying for the sweet release of death when you see the look of horror on the emts faces as they attempt to cut you out of that full-body blood pressure cuff.

which reminds me: at this point you may want to cover up any full-length mirrors. some women find it emotionally distressing to see themselves as a human soft serve ice cream cone. (a side note: my daughter always walks in right at the soft serve step)

ok, so you’ve done the olympic hoist, pat yourself on the back—if your shoulders are still in their sockets.

now this next maneuver is very small, but mighty. You are tediously going to pinch that devil cloth up inch by inch. repeating until you reach your rib cage.

this is the point when i usually realize i should have taken more advantage of the aforementioned shin lag, because now it will be like turning the Titanic to re-adjust. if the spanx make it only halfway up to your abdomen, you may think you’re in pretty good shape, but you’re fooling yourself, sister! don’t bother getting dressed yet, because every bit of excess fat you just shoved up your torso has now become the ultimate atomic blast-shaped muffin top. you’ll be lucky if your arms can rest at your sides comfortably over that inner tube.

it won’t be easy, but here’s what you have to do. take another sip of wine while you’re still upright. wipe away the sweat. take a deep breath, hold it … and bend back over. grab every bit of excess spandex you can and, if you’re wearing the ones with feet, don’t stop until you have toe wedgies! at some point, probably around the thighs, it is pertinent that you not lose your grip or you will never regain it.

so, you’ve finally shimmied them all the way up. if you’re feeling a bit light headed that’s ok—remember you’ve been drinking a lot. and if you have any excess spanxage left, my advice is to go with the trusty old fold-over. with any luck the polymers might actually weld together from all that sweat and you’ll end up with extra-extra-extra reinforced back fat protection. or who knows? you might just end up with: ‘extra-extra-extra! read all about the chubby lady who was found half-naked, sweaty and drunk on her closet floor!’

spanx are a great product. i owe my fake-figured life to them … and hopefully i’ll never attribute them to my death. on that note, i leave you with this sweet little prayer that i honestly think should be inscribed on every package:

“as i lay me down to squoosh, i pray the lord would shrink my toosh. if i should die before i fit, i pray the lord … would just go ahead and let the earth spin off into the sun, because I swear if anyone ever found me halfway digested by this spandex cobra, mass hysteria would overtake the planet anyway.”

you’re crying too, now, aren’t you?

note: not reprinted by permission, merely with unending admiration – and let me just say again for the record that the above is not my work, nor am i claiming credit for it. also, since i’ve now discovered she apparently wrote the article back before august, 2010 (cause i do my research, tyvm) i kind of wonder if she knows that it appeared in this month’s living mag, seeing as how i don’t see them giving her credit for it? just sayin’.

edit 01/10/12 – turns out i do have her permission to post the article; (as did living mag) – see her comment below:

well now i do. nyeah.

anyway… this isn’t the first time shenandoah’s large and in charge have managed to completely piss me off. (nor the woodlands for that matter.) but now that i’m a business-owner (co-owner, but still) this one really made my blood boil. did you see this atrocity in last week’s villager? according to the article, the shitty council actually had the balls to tell a company (healthsouth rehabilitation hospital of the woodlands) to change their name instead of letting them change their existing sign.

yeah, no. you read right. the either/or they gave them was to either go back to the secretary of state and change their name or put up a completely new sign. i shit you not.

in case you don’t want to read the whole article, the short version is this: hsrhotw has a sign that is aerial right now, meaning you can (almost) see it from the highway, cause it sticks up off the ground. they recently changed their name from healthsouth rehabilitation hospital of north houston to healthsouth rehabilitation hospital of the woodlands.

sidenote: this is not an easy task; you have to do all kinds of things to make this happen, like have board meetings and pass resolutions and file documents with the secretary of state and so forth and so on. not to mention pay some attorney to handle the paperwork, because there is plenty of that. plus, this is a hospital, so there’s all those insurance companies to deal with. it’s a long and arduous (and expensive) project. i’m just sayin’.

anyway, they changed their name, so they want to change their sign to reflect that. should be easy, right? noooo… turns out there are rules in shenandoah about those signs, the aerial type. turns out, you can’t have them. and i get that, i do. they clutter up the horizon. but since they apparently passed the rule after hsrhotw had their sign stuck up in the air, they’ve got to keep it all this time. but the council decided that if they want to keep that aerial sign, they have to call themselves – wait for it - healthsouth rehabilitation hospital of shenanadoah. otherwise, they have to take the sign down altogether and just have one at street level.

to which i say – what the fuck, shenandoah? what. the. fuck. i mean, do you not want businesses to come to your little corner of the woodlands sandbox anymore or what?

and it’s not just hsrhotw they’re picking on, either. their stupid rules also affected fleet feet sports (who simply wanted their sign to be the same size as their next door neighbor’s) and valero, who wanted, omg, two signs (one at each entrance). and this isn’t the first time that their signage rules have affected business owners, either. i knew the owners of a florist that went out of business in shenandoah last year. she told me she felt she lost a lot of business based on the fact that no one could find her. seems after more than a half a dozen attempts to make the shitty of shenandoah happy with their sign, they gave up and never put one up.

as for how the woodlands pissed me off – oh, you know… just more blatant wasting of our money for things that don’t really matter instead of things that do matter, like, you know, dead tree removal. but that’s another post.

but then, out of the blue, about six months ago the boss texts me. “hey. how ya’ doin?” and proceeds to tell me how oh, so much has changed. that yes, the implosion had continued in a downward spiral, but really, they just might make it. that really, everything i tried to tell her was true (though she didn’t put it exactly that way) and that yes, she had to fire off several of the employees i tried so desperately to warn her about. she asked what i was up to. and then she finally asked what it would take for me to come back.

simple, i said. one hundred million dollars.

no, not really.

i told her i wanted all the responsibilities i said i could handle before that she never trusted me with. done.

i told her i wanted her to $hitcan the asshole that got the job that should have been mine in the first place. she said it was in the works.

i told her i wanted his salary (it was roughly 1.5 times what mine was when i left). done.

i told her she had to listen to me. she said she’d try, she really would.

and then… nothing. the conversation died.

until! until last week. i get a new text, “hey, is this still your number?” and proceeds to tell me that yes, the downward spiral is nearly complete. but really she needs my help with some things i used to know that she doesn’t know. so i lend a hand. i find out from the person i’m working with that she wants me back when she can afford it. i find out that they want her to want me back. i find out that my work is apparently some of the best work they’ve ever seen. and then…

nothing. the conversation died.

seriously?

seriously.

just quit it.

i also find it disheartening how few people feel the need to give either of them credit for their work. because it is work. and it is theirs.

people suck.

anyway, since i came across this one tonight, and since i felt it was entirely appropriate for my blog, i thought i’d share it with you, my loyal readers (all, what, two of you? heh. he-he. ahem).

(incidentally, my search string was “be different” – ironic, eh?)

i like to think of myself as less than technologically-challenged. i know a little about a lot, and a lot about a little when it comes to IT stuff, computer peripherals, operating systems, software, hardware – as well as internet connectivity, electronics, audio/visual equipment and so on.

oh, and mobile phones. a tiny fraction. i mean, i can use mine – i could probably even show you how to use yours! ;op

my point is, on a scale of one to ten, when presented with a rfp (request for proposal) for a/v equipment going into an office building, i’m comfortable saying i’m about a 7 or so. okay, 6. i can read it, i’m fairly knowledgeable about most everything requested in it, and, given enough time, i could probably figure out how to hook up at least half of it. i could certainly help someone else do it. all that being said…

one of the innovations of the woodlands township’s website overhaul a couple of years ago was the ability to subscribe to several different distribution lists in specific areas. one of the lists i subscribe to is the IT list. i like to keep up to date with new technology being put to use around here. this morning, i got an email letting me know that the woodlands township IT department has posted an rfp for the a/v equipment to go into their new/renovated building they’re consolidating all the offices into in the near future. after getting past all of the legal-eze and insurance requirements, i got to the meat of it – and was completely blown away at the excessiveness of it all.

now, i realize the woodlands township has, for all intents and purposes, money to burn. its a bleak and glum economy out there, but here in the woodlands, we are (almost) completely insulated from the down turn. while houston struggles to figure out how to keep the whole bayou system working with little or no money, we here in the woodlands manage to not only continue to fund our fugly boats in our concrete ditch to nowhere, we build a (largely unnecessary) building on a (largely unfeasible) site right out there on the feeder road to advertise our lack of basic financial common sense. but be that as it may, someone, anyone, please tell me what real, feasible purpose most of this stuff serves besides to tell the world, “toldja; we really are stupid-rich!” take a look (edited for length, but all equipment specs are accurate):

room 1 – board chambers
(11) microphones, (1) wireless handheld microphone & (1) wireless lapel microphone
(9) 23” monitors for the 9 dais positions synchronized for viewing presentations
(2) a/v inputs for laptop/pc
(1) document camera input
(1) tv/video projector
(1) projector screen or monitor viewable by the board members and presenter
(3) wall monitors for audience viewing of presentations
cable/dvd setup
(3) ptz (pan/tilt/zoom) video cameras
(1) system to record audio/video for internet broadcasting
(1) control panel
sound reinforcement

room 2 – overflow room for the board chambers
(1) minimum 42” lcd, with audio
(1) electronic display board and conference room map display

room 3 – executive conference room
(1) tv/video projector
(1) projector screen
(1) interactive white board
(1) dvd player
sound reinforcement
(2) a/v pc inputs
(1) control panel

rooms 4, 6, 7 and 8 – conference rooms
(4) a/v projection systems
(4) projector screen
(4) a/v pc inputs
(4) simple controls

room 5 – multipurpose/training
(1) projector screen
(1) mounted projector with tv/dvd functionality
(2) a/v pc inputs
(1) lapel microphone
(1) wireless handheld microphone
sound reinforcement

room 9 – conference
(1) a/v projection system
(1) a/v pc input
(1) projector screen
(1) dvd player
basic controls

rooms 11 and 15 – conference rooms
(2) a/v projection systems
(2) projector screens
(2) a/v pc inputs
(2) simple controls

room 16 – main lobby
(2) electronic display boards

outdoor kiosk
(1) electronic display/bulletin board

room 18 – emergency operations center
(2) a/v projection systems
(2) 60” lcds for cable/satellite
sound reinforcement
basic controls

totals:
(16) monitors, ranging from 23” – 60” (or 15, if one is replaced with a projector screen)
(10) projector screens (or 9, if one is replaced with a monitor)
(9) a/v projection systems
(3) projectors
(4) electronic displays
(3) ptz video cameras
(1) recording system
(1) interactive white board
(1) dvd player
(1) document camera input
(4) rooms worth of sound reinforcement (speaker equipment)
(12) a/v pc inputs
(11) microphones
(2) wireless handheld microphones
(2) wireless lapel microphones
(8) control panels/basic control systems
plus all of the thousands of feet of cat5 cable, coaxial cable, speaker wire, microphone cables and component cables.

allow me to point out just a few of the most glaring issues with this kid-in-a-candy-store-shopping-list…

in the board room, if you’re going to require a projection screen that is “visible by the board members and presenter” – do you really need nine 23″ monitors + three wall monitors for the board members and audience to be able to see presentations? and if you do really justify that, then seriously – 23″ monitors?? no one will be able to see the board members behind those big-ass monitors! i know, i’m looking at a 24″ monitor right now, and as big as my head is (ha) you can’t see it from the other side. of course, maybe that’s why they need

three pan-tilt-zoom cameras in there. three!! do you know how much those babies run? a halfway-decent one’s gonna be ~$500, and something tells me the woodlands township isn’t going to settle for halfway-decent. not when they want

an interactive whiteboard in the “executive” conference room – holy %@#*-ing $hit!! they didn’t even say what size they wanted, but a cheap one will run ~$1,000! although, apparently, size is no object – as despite the fact that they will now have 11 conference/board/multi-purpose/training rooms available to them, they still need

a 1,000 square-foot “emergency operations center” that incredibly needs not one, but two 60″ lcd tv’s, complete with cable and/or satellite hook-ups!! you know, for that one hurricane we get every 5-10 years. they can’t possibly control the chaos from any one of the other 11 rooms available, they need a whole separate room for when the $hit hits the fan!

but i tell you what, us lowly citizens will have little excuse for not knowing what’s going on with the township, when they’re spending thousands of dollars to record it for posterity, broadcast it online, and display it on those four electronic displays!!! you know, those lighted signs that you see with scrolling messages… again, no exact specifications given (monochrome or full color? one line by 12 characters or stupid freakin’ huge?) so let’s go with middle-of-the-road and assume a minimum of 2′ x 5′, 3-color… only about $3,600 a piece.

one last question (if i can catch my breath) – if the whole point of this construction/renovation project is to consolidate all of the woodlands township offices into one location, to make them function more efficiently and cost-effectively – and if the woodlands is all about living green and recycling – can anyone honestly tell me the woodlands township doesn’t already have one single piece of any of this equipment already in use in any of it’s buildings anywhere? seriously??? they need all of this stuff – hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stuff - because they don’t have any of it anywhere else that they can move into this building?

meanwhile, how you doin’?

and anyone who’s ever gone into a nail salon around here – especially the busier ones – knows that this is true. so if you’ll excuse me, i’m off to go convince “lu” that no, i *really* don’t want krital gel. wish me luck!

one of the reasons arbor day sticks with me is because i am a lover of trees. not a politically motivated “tree hugger” mind you, i just really prefer greenery to desolation. given the choice between cookie-cutter homes on wide, flat streets or random and unique homes on narrower, shaded, tree-lined streets, well… i do live in the woodlands after all. but even as a kid i remember on occasional trips to l.a. or other large cities wondering ‘where do the birds live?’ or “how does the air get cleaned?’ i just couldn’t wrap my head around clear-cutting and removing all the trees in the name of progress. they were here first.

another reason this seemingly simple occurrence stayed so firmly in the “good memory” column was because, based on the traditional date of the last friday in april, it generally was considered a harbinger of summer for us kids. growing up on the upper west coast, i had cold, snowy winters to counter-balance those hot, endless summers. so the first outdoor assembly of the season, held on the first shortened school day since easter break, was something to look forward to.

so why do i bring all this up? especially now, when it’s only the second week of january? because, dear friends, it has come to my attention that for some reason known only to them, the woodlands development company and the woodlands township (né the woodlands community associations) celebrate arbor day the last saturday in january. and no, this isn’t some random one time slip-up, it’s been going on for years.

what the hell? it’s bad enough that one of the most tree-filled communities isn’t an official “tree city” (and yet, shenandoah is, insultingly enough) but to add insult to that injury, we somehow manage to buck over 100 years of tradition by celebrating a day to plant trees… right smack dab in the middle of the second-dumbest time of year to plant trees. you know, smack-dab in between the last of the nearly-guaranteed opportunities for hard freezes and just before the root-rotting spring rains. you don’t plant trees at the end of january. you prune trees at the beginning of february. i guess i should refrain from too much insult. at least if they were going to move it anyway, they didn’t pick mid-august.

i dunno. i guess they picked it because it’s “the lovable mascot, puffy pine cone’s” birthday. yeah, because a guy in a foam suit is reason enough to move a centennial tradition. and, side-note here; what, exactly, makes a pine cone “lovable?” i mean, have they never stepped on a pine cone barefoot? especially after a stupid squirrel has stripped it down to a spiky cob?? there’s no love there. none.

it’s been a long year; it’s been a short year. it’s been a fast year, that’s for damn sure. but all in all, it’s been a good year. i made yet another major change in my life by opting to stay with what i thought was an insane plan last fall, which was to become self-employed. it has it’s ups and downs to be sure, and there’s something to be said as to the implied “perk” of being able to work in your pajamas, but for the most part – it was a great decision and i’m glad i went with it.

and i guess that’s sort of the reason why i haven’t been blogging so much this year, or at least, these last few months. because for the most part, my blog was created as a place to blow off steam – at the world in general, at people around me in particular and what was usually my co-workers specifically. and like in other times in my life, when the chips were down for me, i focused all of my energies – good and bad – into my work; which usually resulted in having steam to blow off. but because my life is good now – great even (i won’t say “perfect” – no one’s life is perfect and if they say so, they’re lying), there’s far less steam. hence, less biotching. which is what i’ve been reflecting on these past weeks.

whether you know me or not, it’s usually pretty apparent that i *heart* alanis morissette. at barely 18 months my senior, she is easy for me to relate to in her life experiences (not the touring and being famous parts, the i have had my heart broken and dropped a spoon in the garbage disposal parts) and her ways of expressing herself have resonated with me for most of my adult life. granted, many artists have crafted songs, poems, lyrics, paintings, musings and photographs that have touched me in one way or another; but she has masterfully matched my life experiences year after year and given voice to the voice in my head by saying the things i could not say, relating to my joys and my pains in real, human ways and sharing the same feelings and emotions i have felt and had.

the first time i had my heart completely and totally trampled upon – i mean absolutely crushed; ripped still-beating from my body, thrown to the floor, stomped, kicked, cut up and ran over – was in 1998. i’d only discovered alanis about a year and a half previous, but imagine if you will how the lyrics to “you oughta know,” “right through you” and “you learn” gave voice to my anger and heartache. i would max out the volume and sing at the top of my voice to “Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced, are you thinking of me when you fuck her?“ how much i identified with “forgiven” having come from a strict christian upbringing.  then later, when i wanted so desperately to prove myself at the office and was repeatedly ignored, how much “wake up” resounded with me, with lines like, “there’s an underestimated and impatient little girl raising her hand.” later that same year, when a (much) older (married) ex-supervisor from a previous job starting calling me to offer his sympathy/get me to like him, i’d listen to “uninvited” off the city of angels soundtrack… “Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me. Like any hot-blooded woman, I have simply wanted an object to crave. But you? You’re not allowed – you’re uninvited.”

the next two years or so, i dove headlong into my career, spending first nine, then ten, then sometimes up to twelve hours a day at the office. i didn’t know what to do with myself in my off time, really. i baked, a lot. and didn’t eat much at all. alanis released “supposed former infatuation junkie” in 1998 and i admit, i nearly wore it out. and as time went on and i was better able to turn my past pain into anger at my ex, the song “are you still mad” helped keep the tears in check as i learned of his life moving forward. instead i would hold my head up, and when at home at night and on weekends, baking or cleaning, i would dance and sing with “thank you” and “so pure.” sometimes in low moments, i’d listen to “unsent” and relate matthew, johnathan, marcus, terrance and lou to exes from high school, or crushes i’d had but ignored. her “mtv unplugged” album released around that same time, and because i was alone a lot, i would relate to “these are the thoughts” and “king of pain” easily. in fact, i found myself feeling sorry for myself a lot, come to think of it. making songs like “that i would be good,” “the couch,” “can’t not” and “your congratulations” feel cathartic to me. balm for my wounds.

but then i met he-who-would-destroy-me. oh, not that i knew that’s who he was at the time. oh, no. at the time, he was every bit my knight in shining armor. he was the one who made me smile as i sang along with “head over feet.” he was my “prince familiar.” little did i know that only after i made the plunge – dove feet first into a relationship all my closest friends and my own father warned me against, not to mention my very own logic and reason, it would become apparent he was instead my “sympathetic character.” not that i ever let on.

in a matter of months, just under a year really, my strong, independent, free-thinking self became yet again an empty, blackened shell. i took all that was good in me, boxed it up and placed it on a high shelf in the back of my mind, where it’s warm glow peeking out of the cracks would burn me whenever i’d let myself wonder what i had gotten myself into. i had tried many times to explain alanis and what she meant to me to this man. i could have better explained it to a penguin. when i bought ”under rug swept” and listened to it (safely in the refuge of my car, on my long commutes), i found myself fighting back tears at lines such as “i’m 13 again am i 13 for good?” in “so unsexy.” or “I’ll be worthy right? Only when you realize the gem I am.” from “precious illusions.” later that same year, the album “feast on scraps” was released, and i found myself trying desperately to latch onto that precious little box i’d packed up. i looked in the proverbial mirror with lyrics such as, “This talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone” from “fear of bliss.” i’d lost all ability to stand on my own two feet. i felt abandoned by everyone i trusted, and found myself blaming them with lines like, “You’re essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me. You’re kind of my protégé and one day you’ll say you learned all you know from me. I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian…” from “hands clean.” but the truth was it was me who had done the abandoning. i had gotten myself into this situation, i would have to get myself out.

somewhere along the way i got to see alanis live again. this time it was an acoustic set, and about halfway through that show, she sang “sympathetic character.” by that point, angry, hurt, and struggling to find any joy in being there at all, it was all i could do to sit still as the lines washed over me -

I was afraid you’d hit me if i’d spoken up,  I was afraid of your physical strength I was afraid you’d hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me. I was afraid of your alocohol breath, I was afraid of your complete disregard for me I was afraid of your temper. I was afraid of handles being flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched into walls I was afraid of your testosterone.

I have as much rage as you have - I have as much pain as you do - I’ve lived as much hell as you have - and i’ve kept mine bubbling under, for you.

you were my best friend, you were my lover, you were my mentor, you were my brother, you were my partner, you were my teacher - you were my very own sympathetic character.

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm,  I was afraid for my own bones. I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume. I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your explosions.

I have as much rage as you have - I have as much pain as you do - I’ve lived as much hell as you have – and i’ve kept mine bubbling under, for you.

you were my best friend, you were my lover, you were my mentor, you were my brother, you were my partner, you were my teacher, you were my very own sympathetic character. you were my keeper, you were my anchor, you were my family, you were my saviour. and therein lay the issue; and therein lay the problem.

by this time i’d settled into a routine; the real me buried, the outer me wooden and stoic, like a russian nesting doll. i almost perfected projecting this façade. i had to. to let it show any cracks or weakness was to invite punishment, and i had no strength to ward it off. every ounce of unused energy i had left had to go into the rediscovery and rebuilding of myself. i knew i was in there somewhere, i just had to get out. i listened to “sorry to myself” a lot then. “For blaming myself for all of your unhappiness and for my impatience when I was perfect where I was. Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready, and expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.” i had to apologize to myself, before anyone else.

alanis released “so-called chaos” in 2004 and i bathed in it. it spoke to me. hell, it was me. from “8 easy steps:” “How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment, How to defer to men in solveable predicaments, How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you… How to keep people at arms length and never get too close, How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most, How to pretend you’re fine and don’t need help from anyone, How to feel worthless unless you’re serving or helping someone.” yeah, i could teach you all that in eight easy steps. then “My tendency to want to do away feels natural and my urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable.” from “out is through.” and then, from “excuses,” “These excuses how they served me so well; they’ve kept me safe, they’ve kept me stuck – they’ve kept me locked in my own cell.” and the hits just kept coming… from “not all me,” “It’s not all me, it’s not all my fault…” then, “Heartburn and headaches and soon-to-be ulcers. Compulsive yearnings non-stop to please others.” from “so-called chaos.” it was like i’d been doused with ice water the first time i heard “spineless:” “I’ll be low maintenance and agreeable. I will not talk about my dreams so much. I’ll listen to you for hours, won’t need anything…” is that what i had become? spineless? yes. so i began to grow a new one. i began to regrow altogether. it started with “everything:” “I can be an asshole of the grandest kind. I can withhold like it’s going out of style…”

like it or not, i taught myself to be an asshole. and i got out. i shed it all like 350 pounds of lead and learned to be weightless over the next two years or so. and, right on schedule, in 2008, alanis released “flavors of entanglement.” which was perfect. because i was finally, really, actually happy. not happy on the outside, dying on the inside. happy all the time.

well, most of the time. sometimes life at the office was a biotch. but since i was finally at a place in my life where my focus was on me, and not my work, it became easier to learn to leave it at the office at the end of the day. i stuck with eight-hour days. i think i gave up only one saturday in nearly three years. meanwhile, alanis sang, “I come alive and I get giddy I am taken and globally naturalized,” in “citizen of the planet.” i met the bf and laughed and sang with her, “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with. You, never hotter than with armor spent.” “in praise of the vulnerable man.” when i pushed back, it was he who said i was listening to bad tapes in my head. which was funny, really, because it just so happened there was a song called “tapes” on “flavors of entanglement.” those tapes said things like, “I’m but thorn in your sweet side” and ”You are better off without me.” i’m glad now i didn’t listen. and as time went on, i started to notice i hardly heard any of it at all. i began to feel like if i really had suffered a total rebirth, maybe, just maybe, i should let this go, too. and when i discovered that i couldn’t relate to a sadly beautiful song, “torch” but instead, only felt sympathy for her, and what she must be going through, i knew we’d come to a crossroads. when she said, “These are the days of raw despondence, and I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.” it was no longer about me and someone. it was about her and ryan reynolds. and that’s all it would ever be about. well, fingers crossed, anyway ;op

but it was looking back at this path of rebirth and self-discovery that made it so much more fun to look to the future. to free myself from gut-wrenching worries. or at least, worry, but know that worrying was about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. amiright? i look forward to horizons now. i’m still not the world’s biggest risk-taker, but i don’t automatically shy away from the unknown anymore. and fittingly, one last track of that last album was a perfect send-off, “giggling again for no reason:”

“I am driving in my car up highway one,  i left LA without telling anyone. There were people who needed something from me, but I am sure they’ll get along fine on their own. Oh this state of ecstasy; nothing but road could ever give to me. This liberty wind in my face – and I’m giggling again for no reason.

I am sitting at the set of cali sun,  we’ve gotten quiet for its’ last precious seconds. I can feel the salt of the sea on my skin, and we still hear the echoes of abandon.  Oh this state of ecstasy; nothing but road could ever give to me. This liberty wind in my face – and I’m giggling again for no reason.”

alanis is happy now, too. last i heard, she was in love in her new nuclear family. she got what was surely the best christmas gift ever; her first child, a son, was born this year. his name is Ever Imre. imre is hungarian (fittingly) and, loosely translated his full name means “always in charge” or “forever ruler of the home.” i think she’s come to a crossroads, too. and i think she, too, might just decide it’s time for rebirth and refocus and to leave the past behind. we’ll see.

so happy new year to you. i hope the next year – the next decade – all of your tomorrows give you some opportunity to find yourself giggling for no reason.