i woke this morning to find that i had, in the tiniest of ways, aided a friend in her path to realisation that it really is okay to admit that some people suck, and to stand firm in your beliefs. and i’m glad i could help. i hope she sticks with it. we all spend too much of our lives trying to figure out how to fix whatever it is we think is “wrong” with us (the things we are insulted for) instead of cultivating and appreciating all the beauty we possess (the things we are complimented for). think about it; if at some point in your life, someone told you that you were smart, and someone else told you that you were stupid, which one stuck with you longer? it was the insult, wasn’t it? but now ask yourself this; if you’re so stupid, then why did someone else say you were smart? now, delve into this line of reasoning a little deeper. who was it that said you were stupid? someone who most likely doesn’t mean nearly as much to you as the person that said you were smart? so why let the stupid remark stick? what purpose is it serving you?

as for me, it’s an ongoing struggle, i admit. but the way that i blog and the way that i interact with the world in general, at least, as i have in these last few years, has helped me tremendously. i think, because i let myself get worn down to the lowest common denominator of myself, i had nowhere to go but back to the beginning, so i worked my ass off at making sure that was a strong base. i figured, hey, i may as well get something out of all that rebuilding. so i determined that my base needed to be my own sense of self. the very things i didn’t want to let go of ever again. and so i haven’t.

now, to tie this back to the u.s., and on the fourth no less - simple. we seem to think, as a nation, that when someone insults us, the best response is to insult them back. like baseball players kicking dust up on each other.  and how’s that been working for us so far? so we need to go back. we need to remember what makes us so incredibly great, and focus on that, instead of letting others’ insults about our greatness get us all pissed off and defensive. it’s one thing to defend yourself when under attack. it’s quite another to somehow thing you need to “defend your honor” when insulted. after all, if you have so much honor, why does it need defending in the first place?

all that “patriotic” chest thumping just embarrasses me as an american. when are we going to realize that citizens of all countries for the most part all think they live in the greatest nations in the world? and why does it have to bother us so much that they’re just as right as we are?

so, celebrate your freedom today; not your “greatness” – but your greatness sans quotation marks. makes a huge difference.

and then there’s checking my email. because god knows, every day brings the chance that there will be an email from mom. so that’s pretty scary.

but other things, scary things… stuff i’ve told myself i should do, because it’s what makes life interesting. recently, i was offered the opportunity to go skydiving. at first, i said i’d do it. then, as the day drew closer, i started to chicken out. finally, the night before, i was losing sleep. fortunately (i guess) the day was postponed due to weather. i was glad. but sad, too. because part of me really wants to do it. the other part? scared outta my mind. i’m hoping the former wins, next time the opportunity arises.

there’s a shop in market street called lululemon athletica, and on tuesdays they offer yoga. used to be pilates. i’ve never done both. i’d like to do either. i have the time. i can easily fit it in my schedule. but do i? no. i wimp out, every tuesday, without fail. i’ve managed to put it off, in one form or another, for nearly thirty weeks now. craziness!

so i think this one, really, i need to take to heart. i need to rethink my self-stated bravery and actually do something. everyday. that scares me. really.

and you should too. i promise, it’ll make your life more interesting. no one ever gets to the end and says, “well, i’m glad i never did one thing that would constitute calling myself brave. that’s a relief.”

sing.

…as for that one, that’s easy. in the car, in the shower, at my desk, watching tv, drying my hair, folding the laundry… everywhere except where mom wants me to – which is on a stage on karaoke night somewhere with her. singing i’ve got covered.

here’s what happened. about a year ago, working in a different place, i befriended a new coworker when no one else would. we got along famously, and considering that we were apparently so different than the cool kids, this worked out well for us.

but then their life path changed, and they decided to leave the company. a choice i supported them in; i knew – or felt i knew – it was the best choice for them at the time. and when they got to where they were going, they invited me along, and eventually i followed. i thought it was the best choice for me at the time.

turns out i was wrong.

so how to extract myself from this seventh circle of hell, without somehow implicating them in my ending up there in the first place? it was hard. i knew there was no easy way. i knew i’d probably hurt their feelings. at a minimum, piss them off. i had to get out, without revealing my intention to leave. and afterwards, i apologized profusely and wholeheartedly. i wished them only the best, told them honestly it wasn’t their fault – it had, after all, been my bad decision. but, predictably, i didn’t hear from them. we went from talking and/or seeing each other several times a day every day and exchanging texts and emails all the time to zero communication.

since i accepted responsibility, i was alright with that. until i did suddenly hear from them. four months later. four! completely out of the blue!

now, this should make me feel better, right? but here’s the thing. how do you go from talking all the time to not talking at all to an out-of-the-blue message that, in a nut shell, said, “i’m not mad at you and i didn’t get back to you before now because i’m just not real good at email.”

wait… what? you’re not mad at me – but you waited four months to say so? four months of letting me assume the friendship was irreconcilable? dead? you’re bad at email… but you couldn’t call or text or anything for four months? wtf?

so anyway… bf and i have talked this over a lot, and neither of us have conclusively decided where i should go next with this. what do you think?

“this’ll only take a few minutes” – translates roughly to “this is totally easy, based on either a id-10t error or a loose nut between the keyboard and the chair”

“the best choice is to rebuild it/start over” – translates to “i’ll take it back to the office if you want, but basically, you’re f$#ked, and i hope you backed your $hit up sometime in the past decade” and

“this’ll take 15 minutes, tops.” – which translates to “this is actually going to take all night, and possibly half of tomorrow, because no matter how close i get to fixing it, there will be one last corrupted file and/or one last missing driver and/or one final fatal error that will keep you from your lunch/dinner/bedtime.

to which i’ve told him that the best way to keep jobs in the first or second catagory is to avoid claiming they fit in the third under any and all circumstances.

a funny thing happened yesterday, though. he didn’t curse a thing. in fact, he didn’t even make any claim as to how long it was going to take to do anything. wordpress, though, did me in. wordpress told me that upgrading the software on my blog would “famously take five minutes.” yeah, well… no. not really.

oh, *downloading* the upgrade took way less than five minutes. heck, even installing it still had me way under. it was the actual act of upgrading that got screwed. that, it turns out, had the infamous 15-minute curse written all over it. i should have known.

so here i am, finally, almost 24 hours later, almost completely back to normal. and in fact, in many ways, a better than normal. because now that the stupid upgrade seems to be working, i got to make a few cool changes. like adding some new *clickables* over yonder <— (howdy, doubleclicktech and bake@350!! ) and i was finally able to turn commenting back on, because i was finally able to include an actual, workable spam filter. so!

so thanks for enduring the black out. i’ll try not to have another for another couple of years. or so. ;op

Yen from Ocean's 11

for my loyal followers (all, what, eight of you?) that have been wondering just that, let me tell you:

• i added a new talent to my list of things i can do and get paid doing. no, nothing dirty, you gutter-dweller. i’ve become a web designer. Wo0t!
• i became increasinly obsessed with my new job, which, since i am after all, autonomous now, means i’m working like a dog for a complete bitch of a boss.
• i finally filed my taxes. don’t know what the f$^k took me so long, seeing as how i’m getting a hefty, healthy refund.
• i filed my mom’s taxes. or at least, i’ve gotten the job about 90% done. the remaining 10% of the job is 1% printing and mailing them and 9% explaining to her what the hell i did.
• i put on fifteen pounds. okay, not really. not just in six weeks. but sometimes i feel like that’s all it took. really though, it took a bit over 28 months, and i have to tell you, the self-loathing is palatable.
• i dined in several more restaurants for free (which probably has something to do with that 15 pounds. i’m just sayin’) due to either shitty service or shitty food or both.
• i stumbled upon a wine that could possibly make a wine-drinker out of me yet. aided and abetted by boyfriend’s declaration that hey, they say a glass of red wine a day is good for you.
• i picked up three more weekly hours of television that is in my “must see” list, bringing the total up to 14 1/2. thank god they don’t all run at the same time during the night, during the week, and in most cases even, during the year. keeps me down to a much more manageable 3 to 4 hours a week. but for you studio execs paying attention, take note: i am in the coveted 28-34 age group, a woman and firmly in the middle class. here’s the list of what must be seen…

          – grey’s anatomy                  - burn notice

          – private practice                 - white collar

          -  the deep end                    - in plain site

          – lie to me                           - psych 

          – house                              - mythbusters

          – the good wife                  - dirty jobs

          – life unexpected               - real time w/bill maher

          – and for some variety, a 30-minute show… tosh.0

• i went in for my yearly perm… only about four months later than usual. ahhhh…. bouncy curls once more.
• i discovered twhirl by seesmic, and wondered wtf i was waiting for, not having a real-time twitter feed on my desktop.
• i started a spreadsheet (a spreadsheet!) of new songs i wanna download find.
• i had a pointless email exchange with some higher-ups at hp, in which i attempted to get myself a new pc. for free. still might. i’m trying to kill this one. just kidding!!! damn p.o.s. will most likely implode any day now, just like it did the first three times. motherboard just goes kablooie. lesson here, kidlets – don’t buy an hp. dude, get a dell.

and so it goes… i got a lot of shit done. put some more irons in the fire. and thought every single day, “i really gotta blog.”

i did, i swear!!

so, forgive me? good. i’ll try not to let it lapse again. seriously.

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
And what have we done?
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Merry Christmas!

just like so many bad, bad, decisions, it seemed like a good idea at the time. but in these past days, the boss i thought i had, the one that seemed like a god-send compared to bosses past, has somehow disappeared and been replaced with this evil, cruel person. sure, i’d had some inkling of an idea that she might have a shade of a dark side. we all do. look at me. heh. but, wow.

this one goes from zero to bitch in .0003 seconds at times.

wish me luck, faithful readers. i’ve got to get out of this one alive somehow. and it won’t be easy.

in a word?

wow.

i left my old job and took a new one and i’m swirling and drudging my way through the hell and nervousness that is starting over. so bear with me. i’ll be back… just as soon as i also go traipsing off to missouri to go meet my new baby nephew this weekend.

meanwhile – did you see what i did? you know you have. that’s right, i single-handedly (with a little help from everyone else, natch) closed down ambience. (click if you like, but remember, kids, flash is great, till it’s fantastically huge).

seems they just couldn’t get their $#&% together over there and finally threw in the towel. ah, well. too bad so sad. guys we’ll just have to find somewhere else to go hang out.

like, maybe, i dunno – anywhere else. ;o)

be good, kids. see you next week!