here’s the problem: their job didn’t live up to the guarantee. now, if i was a cash-paying client, i’d either get a refund or a do-over. but in this arrangement, am i entitled to the same options, or would i seem greedy, expecting their work to be doubled to meet my satisfaction?

what do i do? what would you do??

but then, out of the blue, about six months ago the boss texts me. “hey. how ya’ doin?” and proceeds to tell me how oh, so much has changed. that yes, the implosion had continued in a downward spiral, but really, they just might make it. that really, everything i tried to tell her was true (though she didn’t put it exactly that way) and that yes, she had to fire off several of the employees i tried so desperately to warn her about. she asked what i was up to. and then she finally asked what it would take for me to come back.

simple, i said. one hundred million dollars.

no, not really.

i told her i wanted all the responsibilities i said i could handle before that she never trusted me with. done.

i told her i wanted her to $hitcan the asshole that got the job that should have been mine in the first place. she said it was in the works.

i told her i wanted his salary (it was roughly 1.5 times what mine was when i left). done.

i told her she had to listen to me. she said she’d try, she really would.

and then… nothing. the conversation died.

until! until last week. i get a new text, “hey, is this still your number?” and proceeds to tell me that yes, the downward spiral is nearly complete. but really she needs my help with some things i used to know that she doesn’t know. so i lend a hand. i find out from the person i’m working with that she wants me back when she can afford it. i find out that they want her to want me back. i find out that my work is apparently some of the best work they’ve ever seen. and then…

nothing. the conversation died.

seriously?

seriously.

just quit it.

i like to think of myself as less than technologically-challenged. i know a little about a lot, and a lot about a little when it comes to IT stuff, computer peripherals, operating systems, software, hardware – as well as internet connectivity, electronics, audio/visual equipment and so on.

oh, and mobile phones. a tiny fraction. i mean, i can use mine – i could probably even show you how to use yours! ;op

my point is, on a scale of one to ten, when presented with a rfp (request for proposal) for a/v equipment going into an office building, i’m comfortable saying i’m about a 7 or so. okay, 6. i can read it, i’m fairly knowledgeable about most everything requested in it, and, given enough time, i could probably figure out how to hook up at least half of it. i could certainly help someone else do it. all that being said…

one of the innovations of the woodlands township’s website overhaul a couple of years ago was the ability to subscribe to several different distribution lists in specific areas. one of the lists i subscribe to is the IT list. i like to keep up to date with new technology being put to use around here. this morning, i got an email letting me know that the woodlands township IT department has posted an rfp for the a/v equipment to go into their new/renovated building they’re consolidating all the offices into in the near future. after getting past all of the legal-eze and insurance requirements, i got to the meat of it – and was completely blown away at the excessiveness of it all.

now, i realize the woodlands township has, for all intents and purposes, money to burn. its a bleak and glum economy out there, but here in the woodlands, we are (almost) completely insulated from the down turn. while houston struggles to figure out how to keep the whole bayou system working with little or no money, we here in the woodlands manage to not only continue to fund our fugly boats in our concrete ditch to nowhere, we build a (largely unnecessary) building on a (largely unfeasible) site right out there on the feeder road to advertise our lack of basic financial common sense. but be that as it may, someone, anyone, please tell me what real, feasible purpose most of this stuff serves besides to tell the world, “toldja; we really are stupid-rich!” take a look (edited for length, but all equipment specs are accurate):

room 1 – board chambers
(11) microphones, (1) wireless handheld microphone & (1) wireless lapel microphone
(9) 23” monitors for the 9 dais positions synchronized for viewing presentations
(2) a/v inputs for laptop/pc
(1) document camera input
(1) tv/video projector
(1) projector screen or monitor viewable by the board members and presenter
(3) wall monitors for audience viewing of presentations
cable/dvd setup
(3) ptz (pan/tilt/zoom) video cameras
(1) system to record audio/video for internet broadcasting
(1) control panel
sound reinforcement

room 2 – overflow room for the board chambers
(1) minimum 42” lcd, with audio
(1) electronic display board and conference room map display

room 3 – executive conference room
(1) tv/video projector
(1) projector screen
(1) interactive white board
(1) dvd player
sound reinforcement
(2) a/v pc inputs
(1) control panel

rooms 4, 6, 7 and 8 – conference rooms
(4) a/v projection systems
(4) projector screen
(4) a/v pc inputs
(4) simple controls

room 5 – multipurpose/training
(1) projector screen
(1) mounted projector with tv/dvd functionality
(2) a/v pc inputs
(1) lapel microphone
(1) wireless handheld microphone
sound reinforcement

room 9 – conference
(1) a/v projection system
(1) a/v pc input
(1) projector screen
(1) dvd player
basic controls

rooms 11 and 15 – conference rooms
(2) a/v projection systems
(2) projector screens
(2) a/v pc inputs
(2) simple controls

room 16 – main lobby
(2) electronic display boards

outdoor kiosk
(1) electronic display/bulletin board

room 18 – emergency operations center
(2) a/v projection systems
(2) 60” lcds for cable/satellite
sound reinforcement
basic controls

totals:
(16) monitors, ranging from 23” – 60” (or 15, if one is replaced with a projector screen)
(10) projector screens (or 9, if one is replaced with a monitor)
(9) a/v projection systems
(3) projectors
(4) electronic displays
(3) ptz video cameras
(1) recording system
(1) interactive white board
(1) dvd player
(1) document camera input
(4) rooms worth of sound reinforcement (speaker equipment)
(12) a/v pc inputs
(11) microphones
(2) wireless handheld microphones
(2) wireless lapel microphones
(8) control panels/basic control systems
plus all of the thousands of feet of cat5 cable, coaxial cable, speaker wire, microphone cables and component cables.

allow me to point out just a few of the most glaring issues with this kid-in-a-candy-store-shopping-list…

in the board room, if you’re going to require a projection screen that is “visible by the board members and presenter” – do you really need nine 23″ monitors + three wall monitors for the board members and audience to be able to see presentations? and if you do really justify that, then seriously – 23″ monitors?? no one will be able to see the board members behind those big-ass monitors! i know, i’m looking at a 24″ monitor right now, and as big as my head is (ha) you can’t see it from the other side. of course, maybe that’s why they need

three pan-tilt-zoom cameras in there. three!! do you know how much those babies run? a halfway-decent one’s gonna be ~$500, and something tells me the woodlands township isn’t going to settle for halfway-decent. not when they want

an interactive whiteboard in the “executive” conference room – holy %@#*-ing $hit!! they didn’t even say what size they wanted, but a cheap one will run ~$1,000! although, apparently, size is no object – as despite the fact that they will now have 11 conference/board/multi-purpose/training rooms available to them, they still need

a 1,000 square-foot “emergency operations center” that incredibly needs not one, but two 60″ lcd tv’s, complete with cable and/or satellite hook-ups!! you know, for that one hurricane we get every 5-10 years. they can’t possibly control the chaos from any one of the other 11 rooms available, they need a whole separate room for when the $hit hits the fan!

but i tell you what, us lowly citizens will have little excuse for not knowing what’s going on with the township, when they’re spending thousands of dollars to record it for posterity, broadcast it online, and display it on those four electronic displays!!! you know, those lighted signs that you see with scrolling messages… again, no exact specifications given (monochrome or full color? one line by 12 characters or stupid freakin’ huge?) so let’s go with middle-of-the-road and assume a minimum of 2′ x 5′, 3-color… only about $3,600 a piece.

one last question (if i can catch my breath) – if the whole point of this construction/renovation project is to consolidate all of the woodlands township offices into one location, to make them function more efficiently and cost-effectively – and if the woodlands is all about living green and recycling – can anyone honestly tell me the woodlands township doesn’t already have one single piece of any of this equipment already in use in any of it’s buildings anywhere? seriously??? they need all of this stuff – hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stuff - because they don’t have any of it anywhere else that they can move into this building?

it’s been a long year; it’s been a short year. it’s been a fast year, that’s for damn sure. but all in all, it’s been a good year. i made yet another major change in my life by opting to stay with what i thought was an insane plan last fall, which was to become self-employed. it has it’s ups and downs to be sure, and there’s something to be said as to the implied “perk” of being able to work in your pajamas, but for the most part – it was a great decision and i’m glad i went with it.

and i guess that’s sort of the reason why i haven’t been blogging so much this year, or at least, these last few months. because for the most part, my blog was created as a place to blow off steam – at the world in general, at people around me in particular and what was usually my co-workers specifically. and like in other times in my life, when the chips were down for me, i focused all of my energies – good and bad – into my work; which usually resulted in having steam to blow off. but because my life is good now – great even (i won’t say “perfect” – no one’s life is perfect and if they say so, they’re lying), there’s far less steam. hence, less biotching. which is what i’ve been reflecting on these past weeks.

whether you know me or not, it’s usually pretty apparent that i *heart* alanis morissette. at barely 18 months my senior, she is easy for me to relate to in her life experiences (not the touring and being famous parts, the i have had my heart broken and dropped a spoon in the garbage disposal parts) and her ways of expressing herself have resonated with me for most of my adult life. granted, many artists have crafted songs, poems, lyrics, paintings, musings and photographs that have touched me in one way or another; but she has masterfully matched my life experiences year after year and given voice to the voice in my head by saying the things i could not say, relating to my joys and my pains in real, human ways and sharing the same feelings and emotions i have felt and had.

the first time i had my heart completely and totally trampled upon – i mean absolutely crushed; ripped still-beating from my body, thrown to the floor, stomped, kicked, cut up and ran over – was in 1998. i’d only discovered alanis about a year and a half previous, but imagine if you will how the lyrics to “you oughta know,” “right through you” and “you learn” gave voice to my anger and heartache. i would max out the volume and sing at the top of my voice to “Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced, are you thinking of me when you fuck her?“ how much i identified with “forgiven” having come from a strict christian upbringing.  then later, when i wanted so desperately to prove myself at the office and was repeatedly ignored, how much “wake up” resounded with me, with lines like, “there’s an underestimated and impatient little girl raising her hand.” later that same year, when a (much) older (married) ex-supervisor from a previous job starting calling me to offer his sympathy/get me to like him, i’d listen to “uninvited” off the city of angels soundtrack… “Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me. Like any hot-blooded woman, I have simply wanted an object to crave. But you? You’re not allowed – you’re uninvited.”

the next two years or so, i dove headlong into my career, spending first nine, then ten, then sometimes up to twelve hours a day at the office. i didn’t know what to do with myself in my off time, really. i baked, a lot. and didn’t eat much at all. alanis released “supposed former infatuation junkie” in 1998 and i admit, i nearly wore it out. and as time went on and i was better able to turn my past pain into anger at my ex, the song “are you still mad” helped keep the tears in check as i learned of his life moving forward. instead i would hold my head up, and when at home at night and on weekends, baking or cleaning, i would dance and sing with “thank you” and “so pure.” sometimes in low moments, i’d listen to “unsent” and relate matthew, johnathan, marcus, terrance and lou to exes from high school, or crushes i’d had but ignored. her “mtv unplugged” album released around that same time, and because i was alone a lot, i would relate to “these are the thoughts” and “king of pain” easily. in fact, i found myself feeling sorry for myself a lot, come to think of it. making songs like “that i would be good,” “the couch,” “can’t not” and “your congratulations” feel cathartic to me. balm for my wounds.

but then i met he-who-would-destroy-me. oh, not that i knew that’s who he was at the time. oh, no. at the time, he was every bit my knight in shining armor. he was the one who made me smile as i sang along with “head over feet.” he was my “prince familiar.” little did i know that only after i made the plunge – dove feet first into a relationship all my closest friends and my own father warned me against, not to mention my very own logic and reason, it would become apparent he was instead my “sympathetic character.” not that i ever let on.

in a matter of months, just under a year really, my strong, independent, free-thinking self became yet again an empty, blackened shell. i took all that was good in me, boxed it up and placed it on a high shelf in the back of my mind, where it’s warm glow peeking out of the cracks would burn me whenever i’d let myself wonder what i had gotten myself into. i had tried many times to explain alanis and what she meant to me to this man. i could have better explained it to a penguin. when i bought ”under rug swept” and listened to it (safely in the refuge of my car, on my long commutes), i found myself fighting back tears at lines such as “i’m 13 again am i 13 for good?” in “so unsexy.” or “I’ll be worthy right? Only when you realize the gem I am.” from “precious illusions.” later that same year, the album “feast on scraps” was released, and i found myself trying desperately to latch onto that precious little box i’d packed up. i looked in the proverbial mirror with lyrics such as, “This talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone” from “fear of bliss.” i’d lost all ability to stand on my own two feet. i felt abandoned by everyone i trusted, and found myself blaming them with lines like, “You’re essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me. You’re kind of my protégé and one day you’ll say you learned all you know from me. I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian…” from “hands clean.” but the truth was it was me who had done the abandoning. i had gotten myself into this situation, i would have to get myself out.

somewhere along the way i got to see alanis live again. this time it was an acoustic set, and about halfway through that show, she sang “sympathetic character.” by that point, angry, hurt, and struggling to find any joy in being there at all, it was all i could do to sit still as the lines washed over me -

I was afraid you’d hit me if i’d spoken up,  I was afraid of your physical strength I was afraid you’d hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me. I was afraid of your alocohol breath, I was afraid of your complete disregard for me I was afraid of your temper. I was afraid of handles being flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched into walls I was afraid of your testosterone.

I have as much rage as you have - I have as much pain as you do - I’ve lived as much hell as you have - and i’ve kept mine bubbling under, for you.

you were my best friend, you were my lover, you were my mentor, you were my brother, you were my partner, you were my teacher - you were my very own sympathetic character.

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm,  I was afraid for my own bones. I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume. I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your explosions.

I have as much rage as you have - I have as much pain as you do - I’ve lived as much hell as you have – and i’ve kept mine bubbling under, for you.

you were my best friend, you were my lover, you were my mentor, you were my brother, you were my partner, you were my teacher, you were my very own sympathetic character. you were my keeper, you were my anchor, you were my family, you were my saviour. and therein lay the issue; and therein lay the problem.

by this time i’d settled into a routine; the real me buried, the outer me wooden and stoic, like a russian nesting doll. i almost perfected projecting this façade. i had to. to let it show any cracks or weakness was to invite punishment, and i had no strength to ward it off. every ounce of unused energy i had left had to go into the rediscovery and rebuilding of myself. i knew i was in there somewhere, i just had to get out. i listened to “sorry to myself” a lot then. “For blaming myself for all of your unhappiness and for my impatience when I was perfect where I was. Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready, and expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.” i had to apologize to myself, before anyone else.

alanis released “so-called chaos” in 2004 and i bathed in it. it spoke to me. hell, it was me. from “8 easy steps:” “How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment, How to defer to men in solveable predicaments, How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you… How to keep people at arms length and never get too close, How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most, How to pretend you’re fine and don’t need help from anyone, How to feel worthless unless you’re serving or helping someone.” yeah, i could teach you all that in eight easy steps. then “My tendency to want to do away feels natural and my urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable.” from “out is through.” and then, from “excuses,” “These excuses how they served me so well; they’ve kept me safe, they’ve kept me stuck – they’ve kept me locked in my own cell.” and the hits just kept coming… from “not all me,” “It’s not all me, it’s not all my fault…” then, “Heartburn and headaches and soon-to-be ulcers. Compulsive yearnings non-stop to please others.” from “so-called chaos.” it was like i’d been doused with ice water the first time i heard “spineless:” “I’ll be low maintenance and agreeable. I will not talk about my dreams so much. I’ll listen to you for hours, won’t need anything…” is that what i had become? spineless? yes. so i began to grow a new one. i began to regrow altogether. it started with “everything:” “I can be an asshole of the grandest kind. I can withhold like it’s going out of style…”

like it or not, i taught myself to be an asshole. and i got out. i shed it all like 350 pounds of lead and learned to be weightless over the next two years or so. and, right on schedule, in 2008, alanis released “flavors of entanglement.” which was perfect. because i was finally, really, actually happy. not happy on the outside, dying on the inside. happy all the time.

well, most of the time. sometimes life at the office was a biotch. but since i was finally at a place in my life where my focus was on me, and not my work, it became easier to learn to leave it at the office at the end of the day. i stuck with eight-hour days. i think i gave up only one saturday in nearly three years. meanwhile, alanis sang, “I come alive and I get giddy I am taken and globally naturalized,” in “citizen of the planet.” i met the bf and laughed and sang with her, “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with. You, never hotter than with armor spent.” “in praise of the vulnerable man.” when i pushed back, it was he who said i was listening to bad tapes in my head. which was funny, really, because it just so happened there was a song called “tapes” on “flavors of entanglement.” those tapes said things like, “I’m but thorn in your sweet side” and ”You are better off without me.” i’m glad now i didn’t listen. and as time went on, i started to notice i hardly heard any of it at all. i began to feel like if i really had suffered a total rebirth, maybe, just maybe, i should let this go, too. and when i discovered that i couldn’t relate to a sadly beautiful song, “torch” but instead, only felt sympathy for her, and what she must be going through, i knew we’d come to a crossroads. when she said, “These are the days of raw despondence, and I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.” it was no longer about me and someone. it was about her and ryan reynolds. and that’s all it would ever be about. well, fingers crossed, anyway ;op

but it was looking back at this path of rebirth and self-discovery that made it so much more fun to look to the future. to free myself from gut-wrenching worries. or at least, worry, but know that worrying was about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. amiright? i look forward to horizons now. i’m still not the world’s biggest risk-taker, but i don’t automatically shy away from the unknown anymore. and fittingly, one last track of that last album was a perfect send-off, “giggling again for no reason:”

“I am driving in my car up highway one,  i left LA without telling anyone. There were people who needed something from me, but I am sure they’ll get along fine on their own. Oh this state of ecstasy; nothing but road could ever give to me. This liberty wind in my face – and I’m giggling again for no reason.

I am sitting at the set of cali sun,  we’ve gotten quiet for its’ last precious seconds. I can feel the salt of the sea on my skin, and we still hear the echoes of abandon.  Oh this state of ecstasy; nothing but road could ever give to me. This liberty wind in my face – and I’m giggling again for no reason.”

alanis is happy now, too. last i heard, she was in love in her new nuclear family. she got what was surely the best christmas gift ever; her first child, a son, was born this year. his name is Ever Imre. imre is hungarian (fittingly) and, loosely translated his full name means “always in charge” or “forever ruler of the home.” i think she’s come to a crossroads, too. and i think she, too, might just decide it’s time for rebirth and refocus and to leave the past behind. we’ll see.

so happy new year to you. i hope the next year – the next decade – all of your tomorrows give you some opportunity to find yourself giggling for no reason.

i cannot even begin to fathom the absolute depths of despair this must bring for a parent. having never brought a life into this world, i cannot know the raw, aching pain and suffering that loss must bring. and yet…

upon hearing this horrible news, it struck me at how quickly my mood went from boredom at the tedium of the work i have at hand to desolate sadness. it’s similar to that panic-stricken state i find myself in when i’m at a store or an event and the sudden announcement is made that a child is missing. it’s gripping.

so whoever you are, wherever you may be, i am so, so sorry for your loss. and i realize that your hearing that will in no way lessen that pain, but i hope that someday you’ll understand that someone out there really did wish they could.

it’s a sin that somehow light is changing to shadow and casting its shroud over all we have known. unaware how the ranks have grown, driven on by a heart of stone – we could find that we’re all alone in the dream of the proud.

on the wings of the night as the daytime is slurring where the speechless unite in a silent accord using words you will find are strange and mesmerized. as they light the flame feel the new wind of change on the wings of the night.

no more turning away from the weak and the weary. no more turning away from the coldness inside. just a world that we all must share – it’s not enough just to stand and stare. is it only a dream that there’ll be no more turning away?

i did. twice. and i didn’t. and i did, twice – both before 40. and i’d have to be really f$%#ing old to make a 75th anniversary at this point. so there you have it. three bits of truth about this enigma, wrapped inside a puzzle, hidden in a mystery that is me. i’ve been married, twice. and divorced, twice. and i never had children (and surely never will).

i tell you this because quite frankly, i don’t recommend you do any of those things. well, except maybe not have kids. you gotta be some kind of crazy to have kids. kids are only cool when they’re not yours. screw ‘em up, send ‘em home, that’s what i say.

but listen, really i just thought, you know – maybe i could be a little more honest and open here. why not? since the inception of my blog, a great many reasons for my not revealing my identity have faded into obscurity. no – obsolescence. yeah, that. and i have to admit, there have been several occasions now when it would have been far more fulfilling to just reveal myself to someone i was interacting with. to wit: i am owed a lunch i’ll probably never receive, i’d like to get to know someone a lot better, and, most bothersome, i may have missed out nearly entirely on being the real kind of friend i’d like to think i can be to someone.

sadly, though, there are still some very strong reasons why it’s best that i not jump the shark and give up my anonymity. out there in the “real world” i interact with a lot of very prominent business persons and community members. and i may not always agree with them, or their business practices. and if i rant about them, well… that’s just not good for business, is it? and personally, i was reminded again just this very week why i cherish the anonymity. someone very closely related to all things i want to put behind me reached out to me. it’s comforting still to know there are so few ways, really, to find me. security is a warm blanket.

so for those that owe me a meal… or want to swap geek-girl tech-talk… or those that just want to talk, know this: i find other ways to reach out. and i’m sorry that makes it seem that i’m the one in charge, if that’s something that bothers you. but for me, well, after all these years, dammit, it’s good to be in charge. 

Whatever you do don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either, your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

i know i committed to writing a post about all the advice to be offered in “wear sunscreen.” and i guess because of that, i keep putting off writing anything new because i think, well, i’ll have to come up with what i want to say about the next line, and oh, look, the laundry is waist deep again and oh, crap, i really gotta finish that site update before my client calls one more time asking about it and oops! off to the midwest, i should tell people about that…

so let me tell you. i’m busy. but aren’t we all? really? thank some higher-power entity for twitter. because at least that i can do 1-50 times a day while i’m working and let you know i’m alive… amiright?

so; these past few weeks, yes, i went to the midwest to see my family. this was bittersweet. on the upside, we spent a ton of time getting to know my nephew, who you might recall is just one year old. after he warmed up to me, we spent far too much time letting him crawl at me at top-speed and butt heads with me, goat-style. it hurt! but it was adorable!! so i let him do it over and over and over. went to bed with a headache both nights. the downside was this: my mom and my brother & sister-in-law hadn’t been getting along so well lately. mom’s a whiney-ass. s-i-l is a control-freak. bro’s caught in the middle. so we went up there thinking we needed to kick the kid’s asses. turns out, mom needed a talking-to. and in order to do that – we ended up hurting everyone‘s feelings. and pride. but in the end, in hindsight, i think they think it was for the best.

after we left there, we went to saint louis for a while. we didn’t tell them that. i realize that by writing the way i write, i’m simply asking to be outcast from my family one day. why the hell you think i’m so careful to not say who i am? anyway… we went to saint louis and did fun stuff like tour the budweiser brewery. we got to drink some bud light straight from the vat, pre-bottling. i hate beer as a rule – smells, looks and tastes like carbonated horse piss i say – but this stuff? holy crap! if beer always tasted this good, i’d drink it every day. we also went up in the arch, because, you know, ya gotta.

and since we were coming home from the east side of missouri, our travels took us through memphis. and you know what you gotta do when you go to memphis. so i’d never been to graceland and had to go. the boyfriend, he’d been three times before, but he assures me there’s more to see every time. we were kind of in a hurry, and the girl at the ticket counter assured us the tour we selected would take about an hour. maybe hour and a half. nope. three and a half hours later we were back on the road. but i now know more about elvis than i ever thought i would care to know!

what else? well… worked my ass off to be caught up to take a vacay (bor-ing! i know). took the vacay – six days of nearly no work at all! and a grand total of 33 hours and 2000 + miles behind the wheel. got back from vacay – found ourselves working 14-hour days for a week, when not stopping to go out for client meetings, grocery runs, pay the bills, run errands, etc. etc.

oh! and did i mention that i saw john mayer? *still grinning ear-to-ear* i mean, seriously. i loved his music before i went. i can’t say i love him – i mean, i don’t knowhim, it’s not fair to say. and he certainly doesn’t know me. but my god that boy can play! and yes, i get to call him boy because he is, after all, ever so slightly younger than me. slightly. a little. anyway… he’s positively masterful on the guitar, and an excellent songwriter to boot. and the closer the date of the show got, the more i found myself wanting to learn about him, and it turns out, despite his super-stardom level of famousness, he really is just about the most down-to-earth person you could hear about. seriously! and then, at the show, among his anecdotes about his wiffle-ball injury and his accidental funniness regarding which cover-tune he was gonna do next, his voice broke, and he stumbled while grasping for the right words, to express what it felt like – or at least attempted to express what it felt like – to be in a position wherein you’re famous enough that your name is mentioned in a story of a teenage girl who died on her way home. this poor 17-year-old girl, her whole life ahead of her, all she did was go to a mayer show, get in the car, and died on the way home. and his pain, his difficulty in comprehending this, stems from knowing that if she hadn’t been at the show, which she wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for him performing, she might not have died that day. some would call this narcissistic, i call this heavy. that’s a lot to take on.

so now i’ve nearly caught up to where i was before i got ready to go on vacay, and maybe next post i’ll pick up where i left off with “wear sunscreen” – or maybe i’ll post some pics. or vids. oh, yeah, i also went to goo goo dolls/switchfoot/green river ordinance. so that happened. oh, and i had some fantastically bad restaurant experiences. and some really great moments of hilarity.  yeah… so i’ll try to get back on track. we’ll see. but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? this vast, meandering experience that is a moment or two (or ten) in my head. welcome to my world. :o)

i woke this morning to find that i had, in the tiniest of ways, aided a friend in her path to realisation that it really is okay to admit that some people suck, and to stand firm in your beliefs. and i’m glad i could help. i hope she sticks with it. we all spend too much of our lives trying to figure out how to fix whatever it is we think is “wrong” with us (the things we are insulted for) instead of cultivating and appreciating all the beauty we possess (the things we are complimented for). think about it; if at some point in your life, someone told you that you were smart, and someone else told you that you were stupid, which one stuck with you longer? it was the insult, wasn’t it? but now ask yourself this; if you’re so stupid, then why did someone else say you were smart? now, delve into this line of reasoning a little deeper. who was it that said you were stupid? someone who most likely doesn’t mean nearly as much to you as the person that said you were smart? so why let the stupid remark stick? what purpose is it serving you?

as for me, it’s an ongoing struggle, i admit. but the way that i blog and the way that i interact with the world in general, at least, as i have in these last few years, has helped me tremendously. i think, because i let myself get worn down to the lowest common denominator of myself, i had nowhere to go but back to the beginning, so i worked my ass off at making sure that was a strong base. i figured, hey, i may as well get something out of all that rebuilding. so i determined that my base needed to be my own sense of self. the very things i didn’t want to let go of ever again. and so i haven’t.

now, to tie this back to the u.s., and on the fourth no less - simple. we seem to think, as a nation, that when someone insults us, the best response is to insult them back. like baseball players kicking dust up on each other.  and how’s that been working for us so far? so we need to go back. we need to remember what makes us so incredibly great, and focus on that, instead of letting others’ insults about our greatness get us all pissed off and defensive. it’s one thing to defend yourself when under attack. it’s quite another to somehow thing you need to “defend your honor” when insulted. after all, if you have so much honor, why does it need defending in the first place?

all that “patriotic” chest thumping just embarrasses me as an american. when are we going to realize that citizens of all countries for the most part all think they live in the greatest nations in the world? and why does it have to bother us so much that they’re just as right as we are?

so, celebrate your freedom today; not your “greatness” – but your greatness sans quotation marks. makes a huge difference.

and then there’s checking my email. because god knows, every day brings the chance that there will be an email from mom. so that’s pretty scary.

but other things, scary things… stuff i’ve told myself i should do, because it’s what makes life interesting. recently, i was offered the opportunity to go skydiving. at first, i said i’d do it. then, as the day drew closer, i started to chicken out. finally, the night before, i was losing sleep. fortunately (i guess) the day was postponed due to weather. i was glad. but sad, too. because part of me really wants to do it. the other part? scared outta my mind. i’m hoping the former wins, next time the opportunity arises.

there’s a shop in market street called lululemon athletica, and on tuesdays they offer yoga. used to be pilates. i’ve never done both. i’d like to do either. i have the time. i can easily fit it in my schedule. but do i? no. i wimp out, every tuesday, without fail. i’ve managed to put it off, in one form or another, for nearly thirty weeks now. craziness!

so i think this one, really, i need to take to heart. i need to rethink my self-stated bravery and actually do something. everyday. that scares me. really.

and you should too. i promise, it’ll make your life more interesting. no one ever gets to the end and says, “well, i’m glad i never did one thing that would constitute calling myself brave. that’s a relief.”

sing.

…as for that one, that’s easy. in the car, in the shower, at my desk, watching tv, drying my hair, folding the laundry… everywhere except where mom wants me to – which is on a stage on karaoke night somewhere with her. singing i’ve got covered.