…that is the question.
here’s what happened. about a year ago, working in a different place, i befriended a new coworker when no one else would. we got along famously, and considering that we were apparently so different than the cool kids, this worked out well for us.
but then their life path changed, and they decided to leave the company. a choice i supported them in; i knew – or felt i knew – it was the best choice for them at the time. and when they got to where they were going, they invited me along, and eventually i followed. i thought it was the best choice for me at the time.
turns out i was wrong.
so how to extract myself from this seventh circle of hell, without somehow implicating them in my ending up there in the first place? it was hard. i knew there was no easy way. i knew i’d probably hurt their feelings. at a minimum, piss them off. i had to get out, without revealing my intention to leave. and afterwards, i apologized profusely and wholeheartedly. i wished them only the best, told them honestly it wasn’t their fault – it had, after all, been my bad decision. but, predictably, i didn’t hear from them. we went from talking and/or seeing each other several times a day every day and exchanging texts and emails all the time to zero communication.
since i accepted responsibility, i was alright with that. until i did suddenly hear from them. four months later. four! completely out of the blue!
now, this should make me feel better, right? but here’s the thing. how do you go from talking all the time to not talking at all to an out-of-the-blue message that, in a nut shell, said, “i’m not mad at you and i didn’t get back to you before now because i’m just not real good at email.”
wait… what? you’re not mad at me – but you waited four months to say so? four months of letting me assume the friendship was irreconcilable? dead? you’re bad at email… but you couldn’t call or text or anything for four months? wtf?
so anyway… bf and i have talked this over a lot, and neither of us have conclusively decided where i should go next with this. what do you think?
to speak or not to speak
She was mad at you. She may lie and say she was not, but she was. She just doesn’t want to admit it.
First of all, you need to decide if the friendship is worth the effort to rebuild. When a friendship takes a hard hit like that, it takes time to get it back to where it was. If that is even possible. If you decide that it is, then just let go of the fact she is lying about not being upset and move forward. (That’s just a pride issue.) See where it takes you. It will take a period of time to get past that awkward “we-didn’t-talk-for- months-so-much-has-happened-in-our-life-let’s-catch-up” phase.
If you decide it is too much trouble, don’t keep it going.
I had a similar situation happen last year. I was really getting to be best friends with someone when she did something really bad and pissed everyone off around us, including me and dh. I forgave her, but she distanced herself from everyone in our circle of friends. Burned some bridges, as well. She contacted me, completely out of the blue a few months ago. It is SO awkward. We are trying to catch up, but I have a feeling it will never be what it was and quite frankly, I’m not sure I want it to be since what she did was pretty bad. I do forgive her, but I also saw what she was capable of when you piss her off, ya know?
I know that isn’t the case with you, but as far as assessing the worth of the relationship, it is similar.
Decide if it is worth it and then go from there. I hope it is! Good, adult friendships are hard to make and even harder to keep!
(Sorry for the LONG post!)
pride on my part, or pride on hers?