mom’s out visiting my sibling-with-whom-i-don’t-speak. she hasn’t seen him in fifteen years, as i have not. he’s not made the effort to go and see her, despite his abilities. she went to be a comfort to him, because his dad, her ex-husband, died. and now, from the lowest depths of cold-heartedness i have, i say this: i don’t care.
do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon? i’m too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one…fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn’t always have to be about you…we’ll fast forward to a few years later and no one knows except the both of us; and i have honored your request for silence and you’ve washed your hands clean of this...what’s it been? over a decade. it still smarts like it was four minutes ago. i’d be paralyzed if i ran into you. my tongue would seize up if we were to meet again. how long can a girl be tortured by you? and how long before my dignity is reclaimed? how long can a girl be haunted by you? soon i’ll grow up and i won’t even flinch at your name...the only way out is through, the faster we’re in, the better…not in contact, not a letter such communication telepathic. you’ve been vilified, used as fodder…i want to be big and let go of this grudge that’s grown old. all this time i’ve not known how to rest this bygone, i want to be soft and resolved, clean of slate and released. i want to forgive for both of us...one day i will be healed. i will gather my wounds, forge the end of tragic comedy…one day i will speak freely.
reflections – and a bit of self-indulgence