The Woodlands Biotch

i’m going to go with the assumption that they just weren’t from around here. i know there is a certain element in many woodlands residents that make them appear to the outsider as, shall we say, snobbish. but the observations i made at dinner struck me as downright awful.

the boyfriend and i dined at sunset on the patio at lupe tortilla. in the twenty or so minutes our time there overlapped with the people at the table next to us, i was at alternately disgusted, annoyed and just plain shocked. to start things off, getting to our table was difficult because the neighboring table’s party had apparently never been taught to “push in” when someone needs to pass behind them. but at least that’s just rude. next, the big-haired woman was blathering on her mobile to someone about where they’d been that day and where they could all meet up later. the gist of the conversation being an obvious rehash of a previous conversation, so clearly something that could have waited. but at least that is just about the norm these days. i myself admit to texting when i’m left alone at the table waiting for my company to return. then, as it would appear things were wrapping up there seemed to be some sort of half-joking/half-serious exchange about the short duration of time that had passed between when the younger man had given the apparent patriarch the $100 bill that he was using to purchase the meal. now, that was really rather gauche. i mean, regardless of the fact that for whatever reason (a purchase, a payment of a loan, etc.) you gave the dad the money, he’s buying your meal. so can it and say thank you.

and here’s where things really started to piss me off. the party had a stroller with them, which i at first didn’t pay much attention to; there had obviously been more people at the table before we arrived, and the younger man had a toddler on his lap, so i assumed the stroller must belong to a younger sibling that a younger woman must have taken for a diaper change. i assumed wrong. it wasn’t an infant stroller. it was a dog stroller. complete with dog. did i mention we were at a restaurant? not the park. not at petsmart. a restaurant. now that’s just gross. but at least they were leaving soon. the patriarch went to go get change for his $100, the older woman strolled off with her little furbag. and the younger man wandered off to do… something. oh, remember the toddler he’d had on his lap when we arrived? well, all the adults have just left the table – and the toddler was left there, by himself, to mess about the fountain. i $hit you not, there was not a related adult within fifty feet of this three year old for the better part of 2 1/2 to 3 minutes!! just as i was about to raise a public alarm, the patriarch returned to lay the check on the table with the tip, and the younger man came back to retrieve said toddler.

and, it seems, a bit of pocket money. because despite the fact that he didn’t pay the check, he still opened up the folder, counted out the tip money (it appeared to be $9, four ones and a fiver), removed the fiver and a one, replaced three bucks and walked away!!! but not before, holding the six bucks in his hand, waving a “thanks” wave to the waiter.

now, let’s think about this a second. the table had six chairs and a high chair. so let’s assume six meals were ordered. maybe a kid’s meal or two. so let’s say, for simplicity sake, it was an average of $10 a head. $10 x 6 people = $60. 15% of $60 = $9. Seems the patriarch was, although maybe a tad stingy (i try to tip 20% when i feel the service was deserving) at least fair. But then when that guy came back and swiped six bucks of it, leaving a lousy $3. Or, calculate it with me folks, 5%.

self-serving tendency score-card for the party:
self-important – the young man, the patriarch, the young woman
self-indulgent – the matriarch, the young man
selfish – the young man

whoever you are, ass-hat in the wraparound sunglasses and white nike baseball cap, i hope you know just how much you resemble a walking talking a$$ to the rest of the world.