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i still haven’t gotten the hang of this

i still haven’t gotten the hang of this published on No Comments on i still haven’t gotten the hang of this

a little over a year ago, i told you about the friend i had that had stopped being my friend. in this past year, i’ve been trying to stop thinking about him, but every once in a while, something comes up that reminds me of him and i wonder what he’s up to. this most recent reminder though, ended up being a particular song. like – of all the artists, of all the songs, it had to be james fucking bay with let it fucking go…

“so come on, let it go – just let it be. why don’t you be you, and i’ll be me?
everything that’s broke – leave it to the breeze; let the ashes fall…forget about me.”

yeah. and sure, you could read into it that it’s a love song, but whatever, it’s not about that for me. that’s the beauty of music, and songs and lyrics. i talked about this in my last post – that songs are really open to interpretation, and you make them your own, and that interpretation can change even depending on who you’re thinking about at the time, or when you hear it, or where you hear it. so in this particular case, my particular interpretation at this particular time is…. ouch. you really want me to stop asking why, don’t you?

in more than thirty years of trying, i still haven’t gotten the hang of this whole “making friends” thing. not for lack of trying.

within a day or two of this emotional implosion, i managed to unintentionally and accidentally start a fight among friends on twitter. you know, i use twitter as kind of an emotional insulator. ironically, it’s my anonymity that lets me feel less intimidated and more open to talk to people. on the other one hand, i can really just be myself. i express my opinions, i meet new people, i forge friendships. i find common grounds. and over the, shoot, six years? i’ve been tweeting now, i feel like i’ve become friends with a few people in the twitterverse. y’all know who you are. you’re the ones i worry about when i haven’t heard from you in a few days, the ones i’m happy for when you’re happy, sad with when things are shitty. we have whole discussions in gifs. a very, very select few of us have even met. so when this argument started out of what should have been nothing, what i thought was going to be some good-natured sports-ball ribbing, i felt wholly responsible. and i wanted to crawl under a rock and cry. i don’t have a rock large enough, though, so i just curled up in a ball in my closet for a while.

since then i haven’t talked with anyone on twitter unless i’ve been spoken to first (so, pretty much not really at all). and i don’t really have “real world” friends. and they obviously don’t know i’m kind of a basket case over this right now, since they don’t know this is me. same goes for my family. basically with the exception of the bf, i haven’t really spoken to anyone. i’ve kind of just been locked up in my own thoughts for the better part of four days now. it’s quiet here.

i guess i’m going to give making friends the old fashioned way another try later on this month. i’ve signed myself up for an outing where everyone will be strangers, meeting up face to face. i’m incredibly nervous, but we’ll all have one thing in common, so that should help some. i hope this works. i have so much to give, i am my father’s daughter. i just want others to be happy. i mention dad because – as many people in his life as i know he touched, as many people in his life i know he helped; when he died, there was just mom and us kids, some random veterans, and a chaplain we’d never met at his funeral. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong that the bf and my brother’s family may possibly be the only one’s at my eventual funeral.

“and i told you to be patient – and i told you to be fine.
and i told you to be balanced – and i told you to be kind.
and now all your love is wasted? and then who the hell was i?
and now i’m breaking at the britches – and at the end of all your lines –
who will love you? who will fight? who will fall far behind?”

i’m sorry this got all dark and twisty. i’ve been feeling dark and twisty a lot these last few days. but as james (fucking) bay says…

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