The Woodlands Biotch

have you heard of the schick hydro silk razor? did you know it could kill you? at the very least, maim you. here’s what happened…

a few weeks back i bought a can of skintimate shave gel, upon which a little picture said “try the new schick hydro silk!” but i didn’t need a razor yet, and it’s a friggin $14 piece of plastic with blades, so i put it off. but then there was a coupon for $5 off in the paper, so i thought, okay… i’ll give it a whirl. i bring it home, release it from its plastic prison and put it in the shower. i was disappointed that it didn’t have a blade cover. that seems pretty standard on even the cheapest of razors (this will become oh, so relevant shortly). next morning, he takes his shower & leaves for work. i take my shower, ready to try my new schick hydro silk.

i thought i’d start small, at the armpits. raise my arm, apply razor to skin, gently pull down and… not a single hair is affected. why? what with a brand-new, five flexing blade wonder razor that promises silky-smooth skin? i’ll tell you. see those little, flat-looking white dots above & below the blades? it’s supposed to be some sort of wonder moisturizer. but it seems that the water and the steam from his shower caused those little dots to swell up like water balloons, and what i got was an armpit full of heavy, thick, slimy ooze. like a little kid’s booger-snot, when they have a cold. like that rubber band-ish glue they stick your credit cards to the paper with when they mail them. it was really gross. it reminded me of… well, anyway, it was gross. plus, that whole area is ever so slightly raised above the surface of the blades – don’t know if you can tell that from their picture, but the blades are sort of recessed down in there.

so i finally adapt to the slime enough that i figure out I need to really press the razor down against my skin to get it to actually shave. which resulted in the very first nick of my armpit ever. as in, in my entire lifetime. ever. but i chalked it up to too much steam and planned on making a second attempt the next day on my legs.

now, as a woman, i think it’s pretty much standard operating procedure to assume you know when i say “shave my legs” i mean more than that. but for the sake of not getting too gawd-awful intimate here, let’s just go with legs, hmmm? mmm-kay.

so the next day i get all warmed up and ready to go in the shower with my shave cream and my nifty new schick hydro silk razor planning to shave my legs. i go in for the first stroke, being careful to apply not too much, but not too little, pressure. i’m already feeling like i’m having to way-overthink this whole process. swipe goes the razor – not a single hair affected. again. i try it again – nothing. this is getting ridiculous. it’s a brand new, fourteen dollar wonder razor. that doesn’t fucking work. because it’s once again completely surrounded by this nasty, sticky, goopy, slimy crap that expands off the razor’s edge, since it gets all hot and steamy in the shower without a cover to protect it. so i once again find myself having to press really hard against my skin, which inevitably results in several shaved hairs, several missed hairs, and several hair follicles/skin pores having their tops cut off, leaving me bleeding from hundreds of individual little red bumps.

seriously, people. i’ve seen plucked chickens look smoother than i did when i got done.

why did i go on with it, you ask? when it clearly wasn’t doing well? well, if you’re a guy, you’ll probably never understand. but if you’re a girl, think about it. once you start shaving, it never works out well if you stop at some point and resume later. not that this was going well… but you catch my drift, right? and anyway, i tried to strip that goopy crap off of the razor, but it’s really hard to drag your fingertip or fingernail even horizontally across a razor without running the risk of slicing yourself open. and vertically is even more risky. i even hopped out of the shower, grabbed some tweezers and tried to pull them off one by one, to little or no avail. so i did what i had to do to ensure i wasn’t going to bleed out in the shower – or at the very least, not run out of hot water while i screwed around with this piece of crap razor – and gave up. which brings us to two days, two showers, still not fully shaved. this is not the way to make me happy after spending $9 on what was marketed to be quite possibly the last razor i would ever need. because now that i’ve used one of the heads, and destroyed it, and lost the receipt anyway, there’s no returning it. nine bucks down the drain… along with about a half-pint of my blood.

that day, i figured since i was going to be wasting my time anyway, i may as well make yet another trip to target and get me a razor that was worth a damn. i dropped just five bucks ($5!!) on a three-pack (3!!!!) of  bic soleil bella four-blade razors. a few days later (since i needed time to heal. seriously, you should have seen the tiny little minefield of scabs. just nasty.) i’m back in the shower all lathered up with the shave cream. i take the blade cover off of my first bic soleil bella four-blade razor, take one swipe and – tada! – sexy smooth skin. oh…yeah, baby. i can literally feel it catching the individual hairs and cutting them off, the slight drag of the razor as it glides across my skin affirms that it’s not missing a single one. around the curves, over the knees, everywhere – perfectly smooth skin. and you know what? it’s still smooth two days later. not a single nick. not a single cut. not one hair follicle cut off and bleeding and/or scabbed over.

so the bottom line here, ladies? go with what you know. flick a bic. but do not – under any circumstances – for any reason – be tempted to shave with a schick hydro silk razor. you may regret it for the rest of the day. or week. or lifetime, depending on the damage done.

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